Our Last Name Here

It took a very special reason to bring me back here...

2011-09-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

My kindred spirit is having a baby. Congratulations Dana, I'm so happy for you. You're going to be an incredible mother.

Here's wishing Baby Jackson wonderful, lifelong friendships already--they're everything, aren't they? I love you!

Let me count the ways...

2010-10-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

I love that you are honest, kind and helpful to me and my family. You are a good husband, son, and brother-in-law.

I love that you maintain friendships and relationships outside our own. It makes my heart happy.
I love that we appreciate many of the same things--creating a home together, spending time together after work, listening to good music, traveling, loving on our dogs and making special meals together.

I love that you know me so well. I can talk to you about anything ad complain about school and you're always sympathetic. It's amazing that you know when I'm tired, hungry or sickly before I ever say so. I don't know any other husband that can mind-read!

I love that you play Jeopardy every night after work (and keep score) and that the real reason you love playing trivia on Thursdays is for the actual trivia questions.

I love how passionate you are about Kentucky football--even during a less than stellar season.

Happy Birthday, to my love.

7/22/81

2010-07-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Lynn's birthday. We went to a great dinner at a la lucie* and then to the Appalachian Voices tour, featuring Jim James, Ben Sollee and Daniel Martin Moore. We had a great time.

Since I work downtown, I walked to the restaurant and had a drink while I waited for Lynn. During that time, I had occasion to think about what makes someone who they are. In High Fidelity, John Cusak's character says that we can be defined by what we like. While that may be part of it, I think that alone will give you an incomplete and shifting picture. For example, I used to listen to Phish constantly--had a bunch of bootlegs, went to several nights' worth of shows in a row, that kind of stuff. Now, I can't remember the last time I listened to them. Anyway, while thinking about this, I could only think of two things about me I hope remain constant til the day I'm on my deathbed. Those are (in no particular order):

1. A University of Kentucky football season ticket holder; and
2. Lynn's husband.

Happy birthday, Lynn! I think July 22 should be a national holiday.

*get the fried quail

How Ben should've ended his last post:

2010-04-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

Patterson, Wall, Cousins, and the rest of the team gave us a season to smile about--even if it did end a little too early. I agree with Ben that basketball is exciting to watch again. The only change I would make to Ben's previous post:

Go Cats!

Come on, babe. How can you end any sincere "go cats" with a period?

*You may see a post on Ben's foul language in the future. I'm pretty sure God has a hard time answering my prayers when He notices I'm sitting next to the Devil.

The End

2010-03-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

Last night, the West Virginia Mountaineers beat the Kentucky Wildcats in the Elite Eight, ending our run and our dream season.¹ I thought I would have been a lot more upset about it than I am.² Lynn and I talked about it last night while slogging through another terrible episode of Saturday Night Live.³ This season has been so great and so much fun that it's really hard to get mad about losing this one game. I wanted to write something before I started to read all the breakdowns and commentary from around the internets so my opinion wouldn't be colored by anything anyone else had to say, so here goes.

As for the game itself, WVU is by far the best team we played this year.⁴ I had a bad feeling about the game for that reason, and Kentucky message boards and blogs weren't helping me out. Leading up to our other two losses, I had noticed an extremely high amount of fan hubris on those sites, and it was the same going into this game. Why our fan base would choose to get cocky going into a game with the best two-seed in the tournament when the same fan base had really sweated Cornell is beyond me. You can only read "ZOMG their point guard broke his foot GO CATS" and "Billy Gillispie beat this team last year, they must suck LOL" so many times before you start to worry that the universe is going to have its revenge.

Anyway, I think Bob Huggins knew there was only one way he was going to beat UK--hit threes early. They did. The announcers talked at length about WVU not being a three point shooting team, but they shot over 33% for the year--not great, but not too shabby either. UK simply could not hit threes--once we began hitting, we were too far in the hole to come back and because time was running low, we had to put them on the free throw line every time down the court for the last two point five minutes.

Their ability to hit big shots, and our inability to do same, is not the whole story. I think the two coaches' perimeter defensive plans were the same--let them shoot, and if they beat you from beyond the line, they beat you from beyond the line. Last night, that worked out for WVU and not for us. Beyond that, Huggins outcoached Calipari. Because we couldn't hit threes, used a 1-3-1 zone to pack players in the interior while still keeping them in position to challenge threes. And during the second half, Huggins took great advantage of our wariness of letting them have the outside shot to run a lot of great cuts and screens to get his guys to the basket for easy shots. Our inability to hit free throws didn't help either.

So, that's likely the last time Patrick Patterson, John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins put on UK uniforms.⁵ And that sucks. Patterson has been the backbone of this team for three years. He's been here through thick and thin. And I will hate to see him go. I was wary we would get OJ Mayo, Jr., with Wall and/or Cousins--a foul-tempered ballhog on the take who, for all his individual greatness, cannot lead a team to an excellent season. To me, Wall and Cousins defied every stereotype of the "one and done" player--they were selfless on the court and very involved with the school off it. It's been particularly special to watch Cousins' evolution over the year. He's gone from potential team-wrecker--John Carlson told me before the season to watch out because Cousins had physically fought a high school coach--to a fan favorite. After reading about all the things Cousins had to go through in high school (admittedly some of which were self-created) to see him evolve into a great basketball player and a good kid off the court has been great. Maybe all these guys will pull a Florida 2005 and decide to return. I doubt it, but it will be nice to think about.

The four years preceeding this season were rough. I watched every game I could, but I was never excited about it. That all changed this year. Even though we lost this game, I am proud to be a fan of this team.

More to come at some point, but thinking about all this has kind of mentally worn me out. Go Cats.

¹I freely use the pronouns "we" and "our" when referring to University of Kentucky sports. That bothers some people, but I find it convenient. For some reason, though, I hate it when people say "my" when referring to their preferred team, i.e., "my Wildcats."

²That doesn't mean my language during the game wasn't foul. It was. Lynn has said more than once that she thinks God is going to jinx UK because of my bad language during games, that it counteracts all the praying for our team that she does.

³If Don friggin Draper can't make your show worth a damn, it never will be.

⁴We tried to schedule good teams--UNC, UCONN, Louisville--but they all ended up having off seasons, so with the exception of UT and Vanderbilt, we didn't play any teams that ended up in the top 25 at the end of the regular season.

⁵Apparently some experts have Eric Bledsoe and, of all people, Daniel Orton going lottery to late first round in the NBA draft. I really think both of these guys, and especially Orton, could benefit from one more year.

Post-Super Bowl Thoughts

2010-02-08T08:20:00.001-08:00

1. Did our vast readership see the Tim and Pam Tebow commercial for Focus on the Family during the Super Bowl last night? I thought the media hype surrounding it was probably going to be much ado about nothing, and that seems to be the case--at least with the ad's pro-life leanings. I at first thought, "Wow. Focus on the Family is so media-savvy that they proposed to CBS an innocuous commercial urging viewers to visit their website, with not so much as a whiff of pro-lifery, knowing that the media would run with it and tear it apart, then they could step back and criticize the 'liberal out-of-touch elite media'," but then I realized I just saw Tim Tebow form-tackling his mother like he was Bill Goldberg. That was a blind side Sandra Bullock would've been proud of (ZING get it topical Oscar humor). I still can't imagine Focus on the Family, of all groups, would cave to pressure not to air an explicitly pro-life commercial, but that smacked of something hastily added for extra padding because something had been lopped off at the end. Given that no news reports about the commercial mentioned this in the run-up to the game, this seems more likely. Maybe CBS demanded they change it up. Anyway, long story short--abortion is bad, matricide is good. Or something. We still had one supremely in-bad-taste Tebow abortion joke at our gathering last night, though. So, in a weird way, they got their message across without out even saying the word.

2. Why is everyone so shocked this morning that the Saints won? They were one of the two best teams in the NFL this year. Their defense was dominant early in the season. Drew Brees has been the statistically greatest quarterback of the last three years. Even so, people are still saying the Colts--a team that almost got beat by the friggin Jets--choked the game away. The Colts come back from a substantial deficit to win, they're the greatest team in NFL history; the Saints do the same thing, they got lucky. I think this just proves that most sportswriters are fools and/or that I put too much time and energy into thinking about what sportswriters think.

3. Roger Daltrey looked like an old lesbian.

Have You Ever...

2010-01-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

...Tried to watch the Grammy Awards with a music snob?

Top Five: Closing the Book on the Rich Brooks Era

2010-01-04T16:28:00.001-08:00

Today, Rich Brooks officially stepped down as the head football coach of the University of Kentucky Wildcats and Joker Phillips, the "head coach of the offense," was named head coach pursuant to the coach-in-waiting arrangement announced a couple of years ago. I could write at length regarding my ambivalence toward Joker Phillips as our head coach, but that is another post for another time (probably following his first loss). It's hard to believe that I'm writing a tribute to Coach Brooks when, as recently as the beginning of the 2006 season, people were passing out bumper stickers reading "Ditch Mitch [Barnhart, Athletic Director] and Rich" during home games at Commonwealth. Although Coach Brooks' record at UK was sub-.500, the last four years are a high water mark not before seen in Lexington (a 30-22 record, four straight bowl appearances with three straight bowl wins) and the period stands as the reward for long-suffering Kentucky football fans everywhere. He took a football team saddled with probation to four straight bowl games, a Kentucky football record. Therefore, I present you with the top five games, win or loss, from the Rich Brooks Era:

5. 2006--at LSU (Loss, 49-0). While it seems almost inconceivable that a brutal loss could be included in the top five of anything, a) this is Kentucky football we're talking about, after all, and b) this game marked the turning point of the Rich Brooks Era. Kentucky went into the game with a record of 4-2, with losses to a Louisville team that would go on to the Orange Bowl and Florida, the eventual national champion. Whatever Rich said after that game (I'm assuming it involved a lot of swearing) gave the team a much-needed boost in the back half of the season. Somehow, after suffering a drubbing at the hands of a vastly superior team, Kentucky told itself that it could compete in the SEC. Kentucky went on to beat Georgia for the first time in ages, post a 4-4 record in the SEC and go on to win Game No. 4...

4. 2006--Music City Bowl versus Clemson (Win, 28-20). Clemson came into this game having lost three of its last four, but at one point in the season was ranked #11. The experts gave the 'Cats no chance, but Kentucky pulled out a gritty win in its first bowl since 1999. Rich took a page out of Les Miles' Iron Cojones: Using Them on the Football Field and called a fake punt deep in UK territory, which converted. The team didn't look back en route to its first bowl win since 1984.

3. 2009--Auburn (Win, 21-14). Prior to the 2009 season, most experts believed that it would be a rebuilding year for the Auburn Tigers. In the end, they were right, but Auburn entered this game with a 5-1 record which included a win over West Virginia. Kentucky's ability to play on the road in the SEC (5-20 on the road in the SEC at this point in Rich Brooks' tenure) was--to put it mildly--in question. Plus, Mike Hartline, the starting quarterback, had gone down with a knee injury in a close loss to South Carolina the week before. However, with three players taking snaps at quarterback--including one true freshman whose redshirt was removed for the occasion--Kentucky pulled out a hard-fought road win over a team not named Vanderbilt or Mississippi State.

2. 2007--Louisville (Win, 34-40). As mentioned in Game No. 5, Louisville played in the Orange Bowl following the 2006 season. If you believed fans of "The 'Ville," that bowl win (over Wake Forest, universally acknowledged as the best football program of all time) was going to catapult Louisville to heights never before seen in college football. Steve Kragthorpe, who replaced the departing Bobby Petrino and was virtually unknown outside of Tulsa and Tom Jurich's office, was to be Bear Bryant, George Patton and Jesus Christ all rolled into one. However, Kentucky had other plans, which involved beating the Cardinals on a deep strike from Andre' Woodson to Stevie Johnson in the final minute. There's nothing like completely crushing the hopes of a rival, (Louisville went on to lose to Syracuse, one of the worst teams in college football, AT HOME). Especially one whose fans use the phrase "L Yes" without any sense of embarrassment. I guess irrational hopes never die, though--one law school classmate and Louisville fan told me that Louisville would go on to a BCS bowl after the Syracuse loss. I laughed in his face. It felt good.

1. 2007--LSU (Win, 37-43 3OT). LSU was undefeated and the consensus number 1 in the nation heading into this game. Kentucky improbably beat them by stopping Jacob Hester cold on 4th and 2 in the third overtime. This is unquestionably the highest point of the Rich Brooks Era, as Kentucky was ranked #9 following the win. I haven't looked it up, but I feel comfortable in stating that this was Kentucky's first time being ranked in the top 10 in my lifetime. This was unquestionably the most tense and exciting game I've ever attended in person (but, as we were there with die-hard LSU fans who made the trip from Baton Rouge for the game, I felt bad in celebrating too much). LSU went on to win the national championship that year (despite having two losses), so the victory is that much sweeter.

Honorable Mentions--Georgia 2009 (even though Georgia was rebuilding this year, this was a huge come-from-behind SEC road win); 2008 Liberty Bowl over East Carolina (third straight bowl win, an unprecedented feat in UK history); 2007 Music City Bowl over Florida State (I attended this one)

Toughest Losses--Tennessee every by God year (this year especially--a late fumble gift-wrapped the win for us and terrible playcalling by our new head coach cost us the win in regulation)

I had an idea that I would return to any time that law school or my subsequent professional life had me down. It was to get full access to Rich Brooks and the UK football team and write a book chronicling an entire season. In my head, it would transcend the "follow a team around for a year" genre typified by Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer* and Dixieland Delight and be about whether a perennial doormat could ever hope to compete in the best football conference in the nation, and what it would take to do so (quite a goal for someone whose blog has approximately two readers). So, was Rich Brooks able to bring Kentucky out of the SEC basement? Yes and no. Admittedly, Kentucky's season was annually made in its out-of-conference schedule, and Coach Brooks' general record against the SEC (16-39) left a lot to be desired. On the other hand, Kentucky ceased to be a team that opposing teams would automatically chalk up as a win when going over the schedule at year's beginning. This year, Kentucky was one win away from second place in the (admittedly down) SEC East. Recruiting has steadily improved and is one area in which Joker Phillips' prowess cannot be doubted. In the end, I think Rich Brooks got Kentucky banging against the basement door with both fists and it shouldn't be too much longer before South Carolina, Tennessee and the other middle-to-upper-middle teams in the SEC won't be able to keep us down there.

Which brings us to the end of the Rich Brooks Era. I've enjoyed it and I know he has left this program in much better shape than he found it. I'll miss having that crusty old bastard prowling the sidelines.

Goodnight, sweet prince.
--Walter Sobchak or Horatio, depending on your tastes

*which is actually a great book and a lot of fun to read--I don't want to sound like I'm putting it down

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T10:48:00.000-08:00

I have so much for which to be thankful:

~My husband~
I am so thankful for Ben. He is so helpful and kind when I have a hard day at work, he has worked diligently during our move, he is such an encouragement to me and always lifts my spirits. I am so grateful for this man!

~My wonderful family~
My parents and Ben's parents have been so generous while we were moving. We are thankful for their help and support. I love my sisters-in-law and I'm so glad they're close to Lexington. I love our dinner dates and TV nights! I am so thankful for my little sister. I am so happy she's now happily married. I know she is doing important work as a night-shift nurse, but I sure do miss seeing her!

~A rewarding career~
I have to admit, I am pretty exhausted coming into this break. I've been sick, I've had a little disagreement with my principal, the ungraded papers have piled up again, and I am annoyed with my 4th, 5th, and 6th hour classes. In one of my favorite poems, Elizabeth Bishop has to literally tell herself to finish a poem and encourage herself with words she doesn't necessarily believe. I'm like that, too. Sometimes I have to tell myself I'm doing important work in the lives of 180 kids.

~Our home~
Ben and I just bought our first house. It's wonderful and I'm so grateful that we are fortunate to live in a good neighborhood! But more than that, I'm thankful for this new phase in our life. We are in a house where we can make lasting many memories with friends and family--that's how you make a home.

~Friends near and far~
Recently, I was telling some of my seniors to go on to a college that is a good distance from home. I told them about the wonderful friends that I made and I told them that those friends became my family for the six years I was away from Kentucky. Oh, I wish that for so many of my students. I am so thankful for my best friends. Lindsey, DeLaune', Dana and Maile, I love y'all so much and I miss your faces! But, I love every email and text and Facebook message. I cherish every word we share. I am also thankful for friends I've made while at UK and in the last few years at work--they've made Lexington feel a little more at home.

Alright, few and dear friends that read this blog...what are you thankful for this year?

Actually...

2009-10-25T17:22:00.000-07:00

The very best thing about married life is knowing I am loved~even when I am completely, totally, absolutely unlovable.

The Perfect Saturday Football Post

2009-10-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Dana! Ladies, enjoy reading about Our Romance while your husband watches football for the next 12 hours.

♥ What are your middle names?
Michael and Ormsby--I kept my maiden name as my middle name.

♥How long have you been together?
Ben and I went on our first date to a fraternity party on December 5, 2003. After I saw his lions and lambs, puff-paint, x-small Christmas sweatshirt it was over. Does anyone else remember this?

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
This is the best part of our story. Ben and I have known each other since elementary school. We attended the same church, same middle school (Ben was actually my sister's first middle school boyfriend!), same high school, and same college. But, we didn't go on our first date until my senior year of college.

♥ Who asked who out?
Ben asked me to the Sigma Chi Christmas Party. He was fresh off the plane from England!

♥ Who made the first move?
Ben looked into my eyes and I looked into his...the move was mutual.

♥ How old are each of you?
Ben just turned 27 and I'm 28. The worst months in the year are the months when I appear to be two whole years older than Ben. We are actually 15 months apart--the same distance in age as me and my sister.

♥ Did you go to the same school?
Yes: middle school, high school, college, and graduate school!

♥ Are you from the same home town?
Yes.

♥ Who is the smartest?
I would like to think there is some area in life where I know more than Ben. This is just not true. I like to read, I like to write, I have a Master's degree. Ben missed 9 questions on the LSAT.

♥ Who majored in what?
Lynn--English and Journalism
Ben--History and Political Science

♥ Who is the most sensitive?
Ben is increasingly sensitive, but I once cried during a TV movie that I turned on 5 minutes prior. I will never live that one down. So, I win.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Ben has a theory that the crappier the Mexican restaurant, the better the food. We frequent Cielito Lindo, a Mexican restaurant housed in an old McDonald's. Proof the theory is true--The food is amazing!

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
From Lexington to Tuscaloosa, from Tuscaloosa to Asheville, from Asheville to Lexington...in four days!

♥ Who has the worst temper?
Tilly (our dog) won't stay in the same room when Ben is watching a game (any game) on television. Ben wins!

♥ How many children do you want?
Ben wants [zero to] two; I want three. We'll just have to see who wins:)

♥ Who does the cooking?
I'm sure that Ben would tell you that one of the best things about being married is that he hasn't been in charge of an entire meal (yes, he grills) for two years. I would tell you that one of the best things about being married is that I haven't washed a dish for two years.

♥ Who is more social?
We can both be loners. When we are with a law school crowd, Ben is pretty talkative. I am a completely new person when I get to spend time with Samford friends!

♥ Who is the neat-freak?
I am. I am especially OCD about making the bed. I often clean to relieve anxiety. I know, too much information...

♥ Who is the most stubborn?
I don't think I'm that stubborn. I also don't think Ben is that stubborn. I have a feeling that he would have answered that question differently.

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
Me! Me! I have to be in my car before 7:00 am, ready for my 30-minute commute and my 7:45 am journalism class. Ben gets up at 8:00 and is at work 20 minutes later.

♥ Where was your first date?
Sigma Chi house--Tacky Office Christmas Party

♥ Who has the bigger family?
Ben!

♥ Do you get flowers often?
In almost 6 years, Ben gave me flowers once. Instead, he buys me good CDs:)

♥ How do you spend the holidays?
We spend all holidays in London (KY). We somehow find a way to see both sets of parents, all our siblings and the grandparents in one weekend.

♥ Who is more jealous?
Me:(

♥ How long did it take to get serious?
Dana, I bet you're dying to read my answer...Ben told me he loved me after 3 years together. That's when we became serious, but we did have a good relationship before that. I don't recommend this to every girl, but for me Ben was DEFINITELY worth the wait!

♥ Who eats more?
Ben, no contest.

♥ What do you do for a living?
I'm a high school English teacher; Ben is an attorney.

♥ Who does the laundry?
Me...Ben shrunk one of my favorite shirts the first week we were married and hasn't done laundry since.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?

Ben--he actually has to edit all my writing, download all my pictures to the computer, and upload images to my blog or facebook. DeLaune' used to do all this for me, too.

♥ Who drives when you are together?
Last year I went to a wedding in Northern Kentucky and Ben stayed in Lexington for another wedding. You would have thought I was driving across America. Ben had to print off directions for the rehearsal dinner, back to the hotel, to the wedding, to the reception, and back to Lexington. I know that's lame so I'm trying to be more adventurous now.

♥ What is "your" song?
We danced to the Van Morrison/Bob Dylan version of "Crazy Love" at our wedding, but I'm not sure if that is "our song." Many songs and many artists remind me of Ben and different times in our relationship. I love that.

2 Books to Change your Life

2009-10-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Now it's time to step it up. I reviewed a few short stories at the beginning of the week, but today I would like to suggest a few novels to our (very few) readers.

As an English major at Samford, I read ALL THE TIME. Reading was my job, but I didn't always enjoy what I read. Since graduation, I have had some time to read the books that I wanted to read. Which, if you ask any English major, is a luxury. Sadly, it's a luxury I don't always give my own students--that's a post for a later date.

My biggest fear in writing this post is that I've been moved by a book that is uninteresting to others. But, to be honest, I wouldn't bother you with books that aren't the most interesting I've opened in years.

On Chesil Beach, by Ian McEwan

This author, Ian McEwan, was introduced to me by a professor at Samford. We spent most of our time in the English department reading classics, so Atonement, the first of McEwan's novels that I read, was change of scenery. I distinctly remember Dr. Johnson telling my class that McEwan was an author to watch. Since then I've bought everything I could find by this interesting author. Just like Atonement, On Chesil Beach was unlike any book I've read before. I hinted that I wanted to read this book for weeks and Ben listened. On our way to our honeymoon house in Seaside, Florida, my husband presented me with this book. Just let me say that, while I highly recommend this book, I do not highly recommend that you read it on your honeymoon or if you wouldn't be comfortable with a 200 page book devoted to the sexuality of one couple.

As I settled into my lounge chair for an afternoon in the sun, I read the first chapter to myself. Somewhere in that first chapter, I read an interesting sentence about the newlywed characters, Edward and Florence: "And they had so many plans, giddy plans, heaped up before them in the misty future, as richly tangled as the summer flora of the Dorset coast, and as beautiful." I read that sentence out loud to Ben because I was on my honeymoon, it reminded me of our own future, and it was beautifully written. Ben took the book out of my hands and read until he caught up with me.

Just like our own unknown future, Ben and I did not know what ending awaited Edward and Florence. With one copy between the two of us, we spent the week passing the book back and forth on the beach and reading to each other in bed. Even Harry Potter had to wait. This book will incite such provocative discussions, especially if you are married or in a serious relationship.

Although I hate to pull from the book cover, I must: "Ian McEwan has caught with understanding and compassion the innocence of Edward and Florence at a time when marriage was presumed to be the outward sign of maturity and independence. On Chesil Beach is another masterwork from McEwan--a story of lives transformed by a gesture not made or a word not spoken."

In what ways are we more mature and independent than couples from the 60s? In what ways have we grown--independently or sexually--in the last 50 years? If we communicate--and keep all parts of our relationship open to discussion--does that make us more mature than previous generations? Does our generation's liberation and consequent loss of innocence make all of this maturity and independence possible?

I guarantee you will ask, and try to answer, these questions (and more) as you read about Edward and Florence, the 1960s, and how family, friends, and culture influence relationships.

A Parchment of Leaves, by Silas House

Although Silas and I grew up in London, Kentucky, 5 years apart in school, we didn't meet until last year. Okay, okay, last year we didn't technically meet, but Silas came to our school and spoke to our seniors about writing, character development, and story telling. He didn't just speak to an auditorium of 18 year olds; I was also a changed woman.

The first Silas House novel I read was Clay's Quilt. Our seniors must read a novel by a Kentucky author (Barbara Kingsolver is another option), and I knew my students would love Clay's Quilt. The story didn't disappoint. Clay is a teenager growing up in Kentucky, listening to Bob Dylan, experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex. By the end of the book, he has found so much more than Dylan and teenage experimentation.

But the book that follows, A Parchment of Leaves, offers even more. Silas House knows Kentucky and character development and those two elements make a beautiful picture in the reader's mind. This is the story of Saul Sullivan and his new bride Vine. Let me just be honest--this book is all about Vine (which is why I still can't force Parchment on Ben). Vine is a young Native American who leaves her family's home for true love and the book follows her through the first 5 years or so of her marriage.

Vine has the most amazing ability to learn life lessons from every experience. She recognizes her family's influence over her early in life, she learns how to be a good wife and daughter-in-law (even though she is taken away from her childhood home), she learns what it means to be a true friend, a strong woman, and a gentle mother to their young daughter Birdie. She never gives up or walks away from those responsibilities.

I do not want to reveal too much of the plot because I don't want to ruin the twists and turns that House created for the Sullivans. Please read this book and then we can talk details, life-changing characters, and your new favorite author.

Vine is, without exaggeration, the most amazing female character I have ever read. This is the most beautiful story I have read in my entire life. I will shamelessly promote this book for the rest of my life. You must read every word.

Factslingin'

2009-10-06T10:52:00.001-07:00

Last night, the Minnesota Vikings defeated the Green Bay Packers by a score of 30-23. Ho hum. What's that? Brett Favre played? FOR THE VIKINGS??! How did I not know of this startling development?!

In all seriousness, I doubt there's any way anyone missed the sports media's collective Favregasm leading up to last night's game. And, much to my chagrin, Favre played well--271 yards on 24 of 31 attempts, for three touchdowns. Lost in the hype is the fact that Aaron Rodgers also played well--384 yards on 26 of 37 attempts, for two touchdowns and one interception. If Rodgers hadn't been sacked eight times, this could have been a different game.

Even so, the media ignores Rodgers while continuing to sing Favre's hosannas. As I returned to the office from lunch at home, I listened to Colin Cowherd's radio show. Now, it's probably my fault for expecting actual sports insight from a paid ESPN analyst. But, Colin blew my mind by attempting to argue that the Green Bay Packers would have been better off with Favre last year. He said the Packers "may not have been 13-3 [as they were in 2007], but they would have been better than 6-10." Because, as we all know, Favre is capable of playing every position on the field and/or willing his teammates to be better. He could have shored up the shaky offensive line the nation saw on display last night. He could have played both sides of the ball and made damn sure that the defense wasn't one of the worst in the NFL last year. He could have returned punts and punted. Oh, yes, I almost forgot--HE COULD NOT HAVE DONE ANY OF THAT. The only thing Favre could have done is play quarterback to the best of his ability--and the best of his ability was not that great in 2008. Aaron Rodgers had a markedly better 2008 than did Favre:

Rodgers: 4038 yards, 63.6% completion rate, 28 touchdowns, 13 interceptions, 93.8 passer rating, 207 yards rushing, 4 rushing touchdowns, 10 fumbles

Favre: 3472 yards, 65.7% completion rate, 22 touchdowns, 22 interceptions, 81.0 passer rating, 43 yards rushing, 1 rushing touchdown, 10 fumbles

In other words, Favre completed a higher percentage of his passes but in every other metric performed worse than Rodgers. In other words, you would have to be a willfully blind fool to state that the Packers would have been better off with Favre than with Rodgers in 2008. This is objectively true. And it is (somewhat less) objectively true that Favre out-gunslung Rodgers last night. But subjective platitudes from the Colin Cowherds and Jon Grudens of the world--"He's just like a kid out there!" "He just wins games!" "He makes his teammates better!"--obscure the fact that there may, just may, be more involved in a typical game of football than whether or not your quarterback is a grizzled beard-havin' truck-drivin' blue jean-wearin' land-workin' salt-of-the-earth flat-out by-God winner.

As usual, I don't really have a point and should probably have used the time and energy it took to write this in my actual job.

UPDATE 10/8/09: The Onion gets in on the fun, and in a much better manner than I could ever muster.

Chris Rock on Roman Polanski

2009-10-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Chris Rock appeared on the Jay Leno Show last night and, like many right-thinking people in this world, was aghast that anyone would try, based upon his artistic merit, to defend Roman Polanski's actions in drugging and raping a thirteen year old girl. This just about sums it right up: "Even Johnnie Cochran didn't have the nerve to say, 'Yeah, but did you see O.J. play against New England?'"

My First Book Review

2009-10-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

Ben and I are avid readers. We've packed our bookshelves--and stacked our floors--with beloved novels, biographies, poetry and even textbooks from which we couldn't part. I read at work, I read during summer break, I read on vacation. I read with Ben, I read to Ben, I read the same book as Ben at the same time. I read what my friends suggest and just to be cool (or lame if you ask Ben), I read what my students suggest.

As most of you know, I teach 10th grade English. Although my syllabus is filled with many "boring" classics, I teach a few things to those 10th graders that we all find interesting and compelling. If you aren't big on reading, try out these simple short stories. One, they're short, and two, tenth graders understand them! If you are a book lover, these are beautifully written, interesting, powerful, and all the other adjectives we use to describe the stories we love.

1. "The Pit and the Pendulum" (Edgar Allen Poe)--If you can get through the first few pages, this is a horrific story of torture during The Spanish Inquisition. The setting actually becomes an intense character that the reader follows with morbid curiosity. In 3 years, my students have NEVER predicted the ending.

2. "Every Day Use" (Alice Walker)--You know Walker as the author of The Color Purple. It's all here, too--the African-American-speak, the clash of modern vs. traditional ways of living, and the strong black woman. The conflict finally reveals to the reader which character is the strongest and proudest of all.

3. "Distillation" (Hugo Martinez-Serros)--This short story is so touching. We hear the basic premise of "Distillation" in many religious parables: a mother offers her child comforting love, a father provides a protective love for his children that can withstand any torture. But "Distillation" is raw. "Distillation" is painful. "Distillation" is not just a child looking up to his father. In one moment this child comes to the full realization of a father's power and protection, and ultimately love and sacrifice. Our narrator is never the same.

An Open Letter to My Husband

2009-09-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

In the last 5 (almost 6) years we've sent thousands and thousands of emails to one another. If you think about the last few years, you must agree that we've had some exciting moments to discuss within those emails. Think about all the fun dates we had in Birmingham, the concerts, the trips we took together...Remember when you killed that spider that was hanging out in my dorm bathtub, or the time you wrote your senior thesis the night before it was due?

We decided to get married, so I'm sure we emailed about that. We planned a honeymoon, moved in together, hosted fun parties for our friends, and picked up another dog. Remember when I almost died? Our favorite teams won ballgames--and we were there to celebrate together.

I haven't even mentioned all the craziness that goes on at work. Remember when, while writing a fishing report one week, I forgot a decimal point in the water temperature and Tom cussed me out? What about when we got the news that McBrayer wanted to hire you? Or, when that student 2 years ago found my cell phone number and proceeded to call me 100 times a day? Or when you found me sprawled on the kitchen floor, crying that I would never pass KTIP?

Our time together is fun, exciting, and sometimes dramatic. The next day, an email is always necessary to recount the experience. But in my email memory (yes, there is such a thing), I've never seen you use a single exclamation point until you created "Hypothetical Hundreds."

Snap out of it!

Love, Lynn

Hypothetical Hundreds: Week 1 Results and Week 2 Picks

2009-09-17T14:25:00.001-07:00

I went 8 of 16 last week and thus have neither won nor lost money. Going into the Monday Night Football games, I was 8 of 14 and confident I would be making it 10 of 16 shortly. That doubleheader sums up why one probably ought not bet on the NFL. New England vs. Buffalo and San Diego vs. Oakland. Two teams many experts have picked to be in the Super Bowl versus two Pan American Flight 103s of sports teams. Two double-digit spreads. Two thrilling and, importantly, single digit wins for the favorite. Two losses for your humble pseudowagerer.

Anyway, that was Week 1! This is Week 2, wherein I become a handicapping savant and go 16 of 16! And then, Patrick Swayze will rise from the dead to simultaneously dance his way into the heart of a spoiled yet good-hearted rich girl while scandalizing polite society with his angsty yet carefree manner and involvement in an abortion scandal! Neither are very likely, you see! Onto the picks!

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3) over Oakland Raiders
Houston Texans (+7) over TENNESSEE TITANS
New England Patriots (-4) over NEW YORK JETS
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-9) over Cincinnati Bengals
Minnesota Vikings (-10) over DETROIT LIONS
New Orleans Saints (even) over PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
ATLANTA FALCONS (-6) over Carolina Panthers
St. Louis Rams (+10) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Arizona Cardinals (+3) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Seattle Seahawks (+1.5) over SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
BUFFALO BILLS (-5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) over CHICAGO BEARS
New York Giants (+3) over DALLAS COWBOYS
Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

2009 RECORD: 8-8
BANKROLL: $1,600

John Dalton, 1952-2009

2009-09-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

John Dalton, American philosopher and bouncer, passed away yesterday following a two-year battle with pancreatic cancer. Dalton received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy from New York University in 1974. Dalton's stoic manner won him fame in the international bouncer community such that bar owners would actively recruit him to act as a "cooler" in their establishments. Even an incident in a Memphis nightclub, in which Dalton allegedly ripped out a violent patron's throat, could not damage his sterling reputation. His guiding principle, "be nice until it's time to not be nice," won him many friends and, unfortunately, no few enemies. Dalton is perhaps best known as the author of the critically lauded treatise Man's Search for Faith: That Sort of Shit, and as the bouncer who cleaned up the Double Deuce, an infamous roadhouse in Jasper, Missouri, and in the process removed the town from gangster Brad Wesley's stranglehold.

Dalton's last words were reportedly "pain don't hurt," uttered to reassure Dr. Elizabeth Clay, his surviving wife, and the shimmering ghost of Sam Elliot that he was not suffering. In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Riverside Shirtless Tai Chi Foundation.

Hypothetical Hundreds: Let the Great Experiment Begin!

2009-09-10T09:55:00.001-07:00

Our long national nightmare is over. Football is back on television. I love football so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. During last years NFL playoffs, rather than actually place bets on NFL games like a real man, I decided to "hypothetically" wager "one hundred dollars" on each NFL game. I ended up going 9-2 for the playoffs. In other words, had I the stones to bet, I would have been $700 richer. Since that time, I have not grown a pair and will continue to make picks this way, with the money still in my pocket and my kneecaps intact. There are sixteen games this week, so I will start with a bankroll of $1,600. If you want to play at home, these games will always be against the spread published prior to the first game of the week on Bodog. Home team in ALL CAPS:

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6.5) over Tennessee Titans
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7) over Jacksonville Jaguars
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-13) over Detroit Lions
Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
Dallas Cowboys (-6) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
HOUSTON TEXANS (-5) over New York Jets
Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) over BALTIMORE RAVENS
CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4) over Denver Broncos
Minnesota Vikings (-4.5) over CLEVELAND BROWNS
ATLANTA FALCONS (-4) over Miami Dolphins
Washington Redskins (+6.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6) over San Francisco 49ers
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3.5) over Chicago Bears
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over St. Louis Rams
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-11) over Buffalo Bills
San Diego Chargers (-9) over OAKLAND RAIDERS

I'll keep track of the wins and losses and let both of you readers know how it's going.

In unrelated news, Kentucky shut out Miami (OH) 42-0 this weekend. While that might not sound so great given that Miami is predicted to come in second to last in the MAC, I was pretty happy. Last year, we would have won that game, but would have trailed until the late third quarter and won 21-20 on a last second punt return.

Sank You?

2009-08-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

Lynn and I ate at Malone's with her parents this evening following a big day of clean-up from Carrie's wedding. I'm sure Lynn will have much more to say about the big day, but this was written on the chopsticks Lynn got with her sushi. All sic'd:

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultural"

That's some good Engrish!

An Open Letter to Jill and Kevin

2009-07-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Jill and Kevin,

Congratulations on your wedding and the commencement of your fifteen minutes of fame. I have been forwarded a link to your wedding dance at least five times in the past two days:

Each time, it was recommended to me as "genius" or "hilarious" and, to my surprise after watching it, not "ridiculous." It could just be me--I once was in a wedding wherein the DJ asked the members of the wedding party to "dance [their] asses off" on the way into the reception. I walked quickly to the bar, eyes on the floor. So, Jill and Kevin, maybe dancing while large groups of people are watching is just not my thing. In fact, I know it isn't--I told my wife that if she had suggested we do anything even remotely close to what you guys did, I would have to consider our entire relationship. "I'm about to marry someone who would consider dancing down the aisle on her wedding day? I THINK NOT! You, madam, are a FRAUD!"

But I digress. I want to say thank you for the grins you have provided me with. Not with your hilariously irreverent dancing (I can see the reactions of your assorted guests: "Whaa?! Dancing? To a famous R&B hit? At a WEDDING CEREMONY! It's too delightfully zany for words!" I also like to imagine one of your uncles, a snoot in a top hat, dropping his monocle in startled surprise, clutching at the lapel of his double-breasted tuxedo and shouting "Well, I never!", one of your aunts coming down with a case of the vapors, and Jill's father, who looks suspiciously like Jerry Orbach, shedding a single tear, finally letting his daughter go and "getting down" with that newfangled music the kids are listening to these days), but for your decision to do so while accompanied by the strains of "Forever" by CHRIS EFFIN BROWN! Yes, that Chris Brown, noted pugilist and women's rights activist. And my wife thought "God Only Knows" would be an inappropriate wedding song. I guess she was right--nothing says true love forever like dancing to a song by a notorious lady beater.

So, thanks again, guys. And Jill--remember to check your tone. Kevin keeps it real.

Your friend,
Ben

Good Night, Sweet Prince

2009-06-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough
Uploaded by chilavert. - Explore more music videos.

He made Thriller, man. Thriller.

The Honeymoon is Over

2009-05-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

Up to this week, the Kentucky-Calipari union had been going swimmingly. Top recruits--the two best point guards and two of the beset centers in the nation, among others--committed to UK left and right. Patrick Patterson decided to return for his junior year, guaranteeing a dominant front court next season. And it seemed our new coach actually enjoyed speaking in front of people. To the average Kentucky fan, Calipari could do no wrong.

Then this week happened. First, a minor hiccup--Cal didn't meet with a walk-on player, Landon Slone, before Slone decided to transfer. Slone was one of the only players on the team last year who was actually from Kentucky, and, I believe, was the only white player from Kentucky, other than Jared Carter, and definintely the only player from Eastern Kentucky. Thus, he was a bit of a fan favorite. Last summer, the word coming out of practice was he could shoot the lights out and would be seeing some playing time. That turned out to be half true--he played, but didn't contribute much. When Cal arrived, he made it very clear that he would let players know if they would play in his system. Any one with any sense at all could have told Slone wouldn't see the light of day next year.

Either way, this non-meeting set off the first negativity about Cal I have heard from the UK fan base. But, after last night's reports, I'm sure it won't be the last. It seems that a former Memphis player engaged in fraudulent activity during an SAT test and a person accompanying this player received over $2,000.00 in free travel. Given the dates and other circumstances contained in the report, it is clear that this player was Derrick Rose. The result may be the vacating of the wins from Memphis' landmark 38 win season in 2007-2008. This would include vacating Memphis' trip to the Final Four.

The report does not name Cal and the NCAA has cleared him of all responsibility. Further, UK knew about this investigation and, when checking into Cal's record, received the green light from the NCAA*. The problem is, an eerily similar thing occurred at UMASS--Marcus Camby received money and hookers from an agent while he played there, resulting in the vacating of wins and a Final Four. I can understand this happening once. But as the great poet Great White once said, "Once bitten, twice shy, babay!" This makes me worry that one of two things is true. Either Cal is an idiot who has no idea what goes on around his program on a daily basis--which we know, given how hands on he has been at every level in every other matter, isn't true--or, he is trying to be cagey and purposefully turns a blind eye to this type of behavior. Willful ignorance may not be an excuse in the law, but it apparently is to the NCAA. Either way, not good.

An e-mail subject line from a friend of mine who is a Louisville fan sums up the way the rest of the college basketball community is probably feeling right now: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH." Damn. But, then again, we'll see who has the last laugh come basketball season. And then we'll see how long those wins are allowed to stand.

*EDIT: Pat Forde of ESPN.com says that the NCAA did not green light this hire--that they refused to comment and sent Lee Todd and Mitch Barnhart back to Calipari for more information, who presumably filled them in on the investigation. This tidbit is the only good, solid piece of information I could get from an otherwise trite and hacky article. Pat, if you want to be hard-hitting, why not print everyone's side in the Karen Sypher/Rick Pitino mess? Towing the party line there while bashing Cal here makes you look like more of a homer than Bill Simmons.

*EDIT 2: Memphis filed an almost seventy page letter in response to the NCAA's report, which in sum said that no one at the University, let alone Cal, had any idea Derrick Rose had cheated on his SAT.

Well, I Do Declayuh!

2009-05-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Just hook it into my veins!

"It is believed every SEC football game this season — non-conference and conference — will be broadcast on TV."

--Birmingham News

Lying

2009-05-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

I was fooling around on The Onion while I should have been summarizing medical documents when I came across an old chestnut entitled "Zing! I Just Got You With Another One of My Trademark 'Complete Lies'". It's about a guy who thinks it's funny to make stuff up and tell it to people like it's the truth for his personal amusement. That makes me laugh, mainly because I do something similar: I think it's funny to make stuff up and tell it to people like it's the truth for my personal amusement. I've never been as malicious as ol' Philip Wynegar--I've never told the office's janitors that they're getting a huge raise, for example--but here are a few of my favorites.

1. One day while heading into the Caf at Samford, for some reason I decided to tell our whole table that I had just read online that Bono had pledged to buy everyone in Africa an iPod. Like many celebrities, Bono enjoys hollow, empty gestures but disdains doing something that would actually help, so this sounded plausible. People thought I was serious. Then got seriously pissed at Bono.

2. At UK home basketball games, as at many sporting events, groups of people throw t-shirts into the crowd during time-outs. At UK, they are from Qdoba, and the t-shirts are wrapped tightly in tin foil. I used to tell Lynn that they were throwing burritos. I forgot all about that until one game when Lynn asked me, "Doesn't it seem like one of those burritos would eventually burst open and make a huge mess?"

3. Every time the song "The First Cut is the Deepest" comes on, I tell Lynn that it's about losing one's virginity. Okay, that's not a lie--I really do think that's what that song is about, but Lynn vehemently disagrees.

4. This is a lie, though--I've told many people that John Cougar Mellencamp wrote the song "Hurts So Good" about his love of, uh, allowing a lady friend access to the backdoor, if you catch my drift. Wink wink nudge nudge, say no more.

I can't think of any other specific examples but I would guess I do it at least once a day. It doesn't really translate at work.

Quote of the Day:

2009-04-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

"I'm sure Shakespeare was hilarious back then, but today he sure is confusing."

~Aspen, 18

I, For One, Welcome our New Italian Overlord

2009-04-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

What a Day

2009-03-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

Billy Gillispie's tenure as head coach of the University of Kentucky has officially ended. I typed about five paragraphs of commentary while listening to the official press conference. I read back through it, though, and it wasn't much more than "ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!1! this sux!!1 he needs moar time! but he's a dick! ARGH" So I deleted it. Maybe I'll have some more coherent thoughts later.

Two quick notes: I've had it with "passionate" as a euphemism for "insane" in reference to the Kentucky fan base. People in the national media need to just come out and say "Kentucky has the most retarded, overpriviliged fans in the nation." Sad to say, that would be much more truthful than labeling us passionate. Second, if we hire Travis Ford--who has a reputation of being just as big of a prick as Gillispie--I will, like Andy Bernard when his staple is encased in Jello, lose my freakin mind and start kicking trash cans across my office.

American Idol is "for the birds"! ZING!

2009-03-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Lynn loves American Idol so much that she gets mad at me when I make fun of it. Even she found Megan's performance this week a bit ridiculous. And by "a bit," I mean "extremely."

Megan, the be-tatted single mother from Utah, decided to sing "Rockin' Robin" during Michael Jackson night (technically, he did sing it, but really, Megan, that's the song you pick on Michael Jackson night?). Her red dress matched the song quite well, as did her ad-libbed coda. Take a look at this (the money moment is at about 3:12 if you don't want to wade through the bland):

In case you're at work, here's a quick transcript:

Megan: "...oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Caw! Caw!"

That's right. Caw. Lynn and I both about fell in the floor laughing. I've watched it fifteen times in the last ten minutes and it never gets old.

Not surprisingly, given how most of the judges treat the contestants with kid gloves, none of the judges took a shot at her for this, despite it being almost as ridiculous as some of the antics the early-season rejects pull. Kara Dioguardi's comment should have been, "I hope that you do some things in the future that show some falsetto, show some range, AND MAKE FEWER EFFIN BIRD NOISES!"

Or maybe she was calling Simon out for being a chicken, Arrested Development style:

She'd fit right in.

I'll Be Honest...

2009-03-07T08:08:00.001-08:00

...I'm only trying to put Kent and Dana's recent post to shame. Just kidding--I've actually wanted to put these pictures up for a long time.

Ben was sent home from work at 11:00 a.m. Our heat froze up and then our power went out. Once I packed up our fridge, our clothes and our dogs, we headed to my sister's one bedroom apartment. The only reason we survived the Ice Storm of '09 is because of Carrie, but I have to admit it was really hard being "iced in"--with 3 people and 3 dogs--for 6 days. Yes, we were out of power for 6 days!

I know many people had it much harder, so I won't complain too much! Here is what we saw when we finally went back to our neighborhood:

We were sure this tree was going to take down our apartment. Both the tree and the deck are back to normal.

Richmond Road...although 3 or 4 inches of snow is on the ground, the trees and power lines are coated in a thick layer of ice and snow.

Everything was coated in a thick layer of ice. I wish I were a better photographer so you could see how thick the ice was on street signs, chain link fences, power lines.

Beautiful!

Although snow in March is not uncommon in Kentucky, hopefully the warm weather is here to stay!

America's Newest Hit-Maker

2009-02-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

I saw this on the AV Club a few minutes ago, and it sounds interesting. I haven't done it yet, so the results will be revealed LIVE! on this very blog. Here are the instructions:

New meme: here's a totally random way to make your new random band's new random album cover. Post one! Go to “Wikipedia.” Hit “random” and the first article you get is the name of your band. Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Then, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

The results:

Wow. That's sure to go platinum.

This is Lynn's new band:

They'll be headlining the Lilith Fair this summer.

American Idol: Public Policy Edition

2009-02-18T06:41:00.000-08:00

Ryan Seacrest: It’s Hollywood night here on American Idol! We’ve got the best and the brightest here with us, ready to make this country a better place! Everyone, take a look at Simon—look at that sweater. Simon, did you beat up a lady in the petite section at Macy’s to get that sweater?

Simon Cowell: Very funny. Nice haircut, nancy.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Simon: What? He looks like quite the gay!

Ryan: Alright, settle down everyone. Settle down. Simon kids because he loves—and, by the way, Simon, it takes one to know one.

(Paula Abdul laughs and falls from her chair)

(Kara DioGuardi neither adds nor detracts from the exchange)

Randy Jackson: Aw, naw, dog! Simon, word word word! Simon. Si-MON. You gonna take that nonsense!

Ryan: Alright, let’s move on before Randy runs out of ways to emphasize different syllables in someone's name. Please welcome our first contestant, Jim Richards, C.E.O. of Countrywide Mortgage!

Jim: Thank you, thank you all, what UP! Anyway, here’s the deal: how many of you want a badass house looking like it came straight outta Cribs? Huh? I heard that! But. How many of you don’t really have much saved up for a down payment? No problemo, friends! We’ve developed loans where you don’t need a down payment! And, being the nice guy that I am, I’ll let you pay ONLY interest! For as long as you want! And your home will only go UP in value! What could possibly go wrong?!

(Crowd cheers ecstatically)

Ryan: Judges?

Randy: Aight aight aight! Jimmy Rich, Ji-mmy RICH, check it out, baby, check it out! First off, way to bring the HEAT and the NOISE baby! You’re trying to shake things up, and I like it! You need to work on your slang though, dog. “No problemo”? That’s not how the kids talk on the STREETS, baby! Otherwise, I loved it. You’re going a long way.

Kara: I love your look. Navy blue suit, tasteful white pinstripes, power tie. That screams, “I know more than you do about this, so just go along with it!” Very nice! Paula?

Paula: Welljim, youknow, astound gratomee! Canoo gimme gardtower to shoo off suicide fans? And a panic room for whena pills wear off?

Jim: Sure! Panic rooms TRIPLE the value of your home!

(Crowd goes wild)

Randy: Uh-oh, here comes the buzzkill. Simon…

Simon: I’m going to be honest, Jim. I HATED it.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy: (Yelling over the crowd) Don’t listen to him, Jimmdogg!

Simon: Come on now, I’m the judge! This is what a judge is supposed to do! Anyway, how can you think that plan has any basis whatsoever in reality? You’re giving borrowers zero equity. You’re setting them, and your company, up for massive ruin!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: Wow, that was harsh! But, it’s just Simon. No one listens to him. He’s a negative jerkoff. Well, let’s bring up our next contestant. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense!

Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Ryan. As you may know, terrorists HATE America. Most terrorists are Muslims. There are bunches—bunches!—of Muslims in Iraq. Ipso facto, let’s invade Iraq. We’d only need to send, like, a hundred thousand troops. Baghdad will fall in a week or so, then it’s smoooooooooth sailing from there!

(Crowd eats it up)

Ryan: Judges?

Randy: Do-NNY Boy! I’d call you Rummy, but that’s what we call Paula! (High fives Paula, who falls over, giggling). Aight, seriously though, seriously. Check this out, baby. Check this out. I liked it, Donald. Nothing flashy—just laying it all out there. Can’t see anything wrong with your logic. And, dog, if you can get Paula dancing, you know you’re doing something right!

Donald: Actually, I think she might be having a seizure.

Ryan: Don’t worry about it. Simon?

Simon: Donald. As usual, I have to disagree with Randy. It was HORR-ible.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy: (Yelling) How you like that, Simon?!? YOU’RE NOT BELOVED BY A LARGE CROWD OF TEENAGERS!

Simon: Come now! We can’t have this outburst from you lot every time I say something negative in the slightest! Anyway. Where did you get that figger from? One hundred thousand? Didn’t we talk about this during your auditions? Didn’t we say we need something closer to a half million for any form of extended occupation and to fight what’s sure to be a fierce resistance movement? I thought you were going to work on this! And, I HATE the militry jacket. Those patches. They’re quite ostentatious.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: Oooooooo-KAY, the crowd hates Simon. What else is new--he’s an asshole! If you like Donald, be sure to text the number 2 to 45308.

(Donald makes faces at the camera while holding up two fingers in different and zany ways)

Top Fives

2009-02-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

Kent Jackson recently made a post on Top 5 Fringe Seinfeld Characters over on his and Dana’s blog. I actually lost sleep trying to put together my top 5, and I’m not entirely satisfied with it. I liked the idea so much that I’m going to steal it and start my own list: Top 5 Movies Wholly or Partially About the 1970s. Here’s mine:

1) Boogie Nights
2) Casino
3) Dazed and Confused
4) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
5) Blow

Not a great list, but maybe it’ll get some discussion going. Lynn, Kent and Dana—a.k.a. the only three people who read this—leave yours in the comments

Hypothetical Hundreds: BRUUUUUUUUUCE! Edition

2009-01-29T06:29:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl Halftime Show featuring Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band is nearly upon us. For years, I’ve enjoyed trying to pick the songs played during the show. I started off humbly with the not very bold assertion that Paul McCartney would close with Hey Jude. Nailed it! Last year, I tried to take bets on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (somehow finding no takers) and totally called his entire set list, in order—American Girl, I Won’t Back Down, Free Fallin’, Runnin’ Down a Dream (typing that made me realize that Tom Petty is a big fan of elision and superfluous apostrophes; Cormac McCarthy would be unimpressed with all that extra punctuation). The Boss, however, has been a tough nut to crack. Will he go obvious or take the Prince route and play almost nothing you would expect? Here’s my best guess:

1) Born in the USA
2) Radio Nowhere
3) Glory Days
4) Born to Run

I think the only sure thing is Born in the USA. The real issue, though, is this: opener or closer? Its anthemic stomp seems more suited to beginnings, while the hurried squall of Born to Run seems a more fitting note on which The Boss can go careening into the Tampa night.

Oh, there’s a football game involved somehow, too. No one seems to think the Arizona Cardinals, generally regarded as a pass-first team, have any chance against the Pittsburgh Steelers, specifically against the Steelers’ league-leading (during the regular season) pass defense. On the other hand, the Cardinals have been quick to go to the run in the post-season, a fact that probably caught the Falcons, Panthers and Eagles off guard. Pittsburgh has had two weeks to prepare for this, but their offense seems to have been improvised for the last couple games. I’m very tempted to go against the grain and take the Cardinals at +7, based on their stouter-than-expected defense, embrace of the run and renaissance of Kurt Warner. So I think I will. Go Cards!

Lynn's 25

2009-01-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by Dana to make a list of 25 random things about myself. According to Ben, I'm a very strange individual. This should be interesting, so here goes:

1. I've always wanted to be tagged to do something like this. Seriously, I'm never asked to participate in any "tag" games on Facebook or the blog.

2. I rarely have time to make the bed before I leave for work in the morning, but I always make the bed right before I go to sleep at night. I straighten the fitted sheet, tuck in the straight sheet, fluff the duvet, and turn down all the covers. I get visibly upset if Ben or the dog lays down before I've made the bed. Ben thinks this is the weirdest thing I do.

3. A few years ago, I worked in the sports department of a pretty big newspaper. Three days a week I was insanely busy and often worked overtime; the other two days I sat at my computer emailing, looking up recipes, working crossword puzzles, or reading books and newspapers. The strange thing is, I complained about this incessantly. What the hell was I thinking?

4. Now I'm a teacher. I occasionally email or look up a recipe. I cannot remember the last time I worked a crossword puzzle, read anything besides a school newspaper, or finished a book for fun.

5. I do love to read books, watch movies, and listen to music. I think about themes, messages, and lyrics more than most people. I always put myself in the place of the character, role, or speaker; this usually makes me emotional.

6. Did I mention I'm very emotional? I sobbed walking down the aisle at my wedding, even though I'd already seen Ben. I once cried at the end of a movie I'd been watching for 5 minutes [ed. note: this movie was Just Like Heaven. Ugh.] I'm especially prone to cry when I'm very stressed, very tired, or very happy.

7. I love television. I'm drawn to reality shows, teen programming, award shows, reruns...I'm obsessed. My favorite time of the year is when I have a television show for every night of the week.

8. I'm also obsessed with my dog. I never thought I could become that person. My sister gave me my dog, Rupp, when I was lonely after my move to Lexington. He is still so cute and snuggly. When I don't feel good, Rupp mopes around the house too. He is smart and sympathetic. Although I admit this is weird, I'm comforted that so many people behave in the same manner.

9. Rupp and I have only had one fight: when I neutered him. Poor guy.

10. I was also obsessed with my husband. I thought he was absolutely perfect for years. I don't think that way anymore; I just think he is perfect for me.

11. One of my favorite things about Ben is his vocabulary.

12. I love love love my college friends. My kids at school think my life is so tame...if they only knew of my past life!

13. I don't always like Seinfeld. This baffles Ben. I don't always like Days of our Lives. This baffles Dana.

14. I love to cook dinner every night. I devote more hours to our dinner than I do to grading papers or planning lessons at home.

15. Ben and I go out to eat one or two times a week. Unless it's a special occasion, we always go to the same Mexican restaurant.

16. My mom, sister, and I planned my wedding in 4 months. We should go to the Olympics or something.

17. I have a pretty vivid imagination. I credit my mother with this. She used to make my sister and I play all alone--Barbies, dolls, dress up...we rarely watched television on weeknights and I didn't have IM or email until college. I think it is sad when my kids at school talk about spending their lives in front of the TV, Myspace, or Facebook.

18. With that, I have a small internet addiction.

19. When I'm stressed out with school or worried about one/a group of students, I dream about it. Once the school year starts, I worry more and dream about my students all the time.

20. I cannot stand styrofoam; I don't want to hear the pieces rub together. This means I can't take objects out of large boxes and I can't carry home leftovers from restuarants.

21. I'm always sick. I don't mean that I'm a hypochondriac, but I have a very weak immune system and pick up every little bug that goes around my school. My allergies escalate this problem. Carrie, Mom and Ben make fun of me for being so sickly, but I really can't help it.

22. This is just one of the parts of life I complain about. I complain about sickness, chores, work, and the temperature. I would love to change this part of myself...

23. When something is going wrong, I try to blame somebody else. Even if it is my fault. Carrie, Ben and my students are usually the recipients. Is this a coping mechanism for a perfectionist?

24. I have a love-hate relationship with snow days. When winter hits Kentucky, I desperately pray for them; when summer finally comes, I wish I hadn't prayed so hard.

25. I love a glass of wine in the evening, but my favorite drink has to be the bloody mary at Keeneland!

I'm tagging Ben, because no one else reads this blog!

Hypothetical Hundreds: Special Northern Kentucky Edition

2009-01-16T17:26:00.000-08:00

James Bricken and I are currently stuck in a hotel lobby in Covington, Kentucky, watching the first NBA game I've watched this season. Long story. We were up here for a New Lawyers Seminar, a.k.a. The Biggest Gathering of Douchebags in the State, a.k.a. Why the Terrorists Hate Us. Or so I thought before we came. We actually had a decent time, got to catch up with some old law school pals, and, of course, gambled like degenerates. On a whim, about ten of us ended up at the Argosy Casino in southern Indiana (where, apparently, they only sell warm beer in the gas stations; turned out to be a blessing in disguise). I ended up winning about $100 playing blackjack. Big time stuff!

The casino got me in the gambling mood, and I realized I hadn't made my NFL picks for the week. I've been dominant in the playoffs this year, missing only one pick. Sure, I got very lucky in that Titans-Ravens game last weekend, but I'll take it where I can get it. Anyway, here are the picks (home team in caps):

1. ARIZONA CARDINALS (+4) over Philadelphia Eagles
2. Baltimore Ravens (+6) over PITTSBURGH STEELERS

There you have it. Scientific facts.

CURRENT RECORD: 7-1

WTF, Tilly

2009-01-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

The list of things Tilly has demolished since she began to "play"

A jar of moisturizer
An entire bottle of Cumin
My Calphalon pot holder
My favorite Calvin Klein flats*
A roll of grosgrain ribbon
An entire roll of wrapping paper
Two TV remotes
One Wii remote

I'm beginning to have terrible visions of Tilly chewing her way through my favorite things; furniture, books, wedding pictures. Seriously, what's next?

*I originally thought these were salvageable when Ben called to tell me Tilly chewed off "some of the leather" on the CK flats. I suggested covering up the "some" with black shoe polish. Ben's response: "I think our definition of 'some' might be different." Sure enough, Tilly had ripped huge strips of leather from the once-amazing shoe. I mean, these shoes went from black leather to white-cloth lining. I buried them last night.

Hypothetical Hundreds: C.R.E.A.M.

2009-01-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

The divisional round of the NFL playoffs ended today and I'm proud to report that I correctly called every game. I started the weekend with (an imaginary) $700, and ended it with $1,100. Not too shabby! Take that, experts!

Hypothetical Hundreds

2009-01-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

In my quest to be the best attorney in Lexington, if not the state of Kentucky, I read about ten sports blogs on a daily basis while at work. During the NFL season, most of them dedicate at least one column a week to betting the games. On Kissing Suzy Kolber, it’s called “Always Be Covering.” Bill Simmons and his wife pick games against the spread each week and keep a running tally—the joke being that his wife, knowing nothing about the NFL, does about the same as does Simmons, whose job it is to know about sports.

Reading these gambling missives, I’m always tempted by the thought, “Pfft, what a bunch of idiots. I could kill this. I could be Ghostface!”

LOOK AT ALL THAT MONEY AND THAT ASIAN CHICK OMG AND THAT CRAZY RING IT COULD ALL BE MINE HAHA THANKS NFL SUCKERS!...which is a dangerous road to go down without knowing if you could actually do it against a fickle point spread. So, last week, during the NFL Wild Card weekend, I decided to start keeping track, betting a fictional $100 per game, to see if I really had what it took to be the next Sam Rothstein. Here are my picks (home teams in caps)

Arizona Cardinals (+2) over ATLANTA FALCONS
Indianapolis Colts (-1) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I probably violated every known gambling rule in the universe in making those picks. I can spot one right now—I bet against every home team and every divisional champ. But you know what? I came out 3-1. $400 wagered, $300 plus the three bets coming back, and just like that, I’ve got (an imaginary) $600! Add to that another $100 from the Florida/Oklahoma game, and I’ve almost doubled up in a week.

Here are the picks for this weekend’s divisional match-ups:

Baltimore Ravens (+3) over TENNESSEE TITANS
Arizona Cardinals (+10) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Philadelphia Eagles (+4) over NEW YORK GIANTS

Some bold picks there, if I do say so myself. No one likes Arizona on the road—with reason. But ten points is so tempting, and last week, Arizona manhandled the power run of Atlanta and have a power run to deal with in Carolina's offense. Well, I guess it’s one bold pick—the rest could go either way. But, then again, can't they all?

CURRENT RECORD

4-1

Tilly!

2009-01-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

We love Tilly, the beautiful chocolate lab we adopted in July. When she first came to our home, she hid in corners, behind beds, and in the very back of her crate--every hiding place was an attempt to avoid affection. She couldn't do anything normally: walk, run, eat.

But since that time, Tilly really improved. She walks on a leash--or without a leash--outside, she runs on the golf course beside our house, and eats large amount of food. She's also comfortable enough to produce large shoestrings of drool in front of us. Although she's still a little nervous around company, the friends and family who frequently visit have definitely noticed an improvement.

Now, my Rupp loves to play. He plays fetch perfectly with the Kong or the Cuz. Sit, throw, return, repeat. Sometimes he'll mix it up by laying down for you. He's very impressive. He also loves soft toys. He latches on for dear life and falls asleep as he mimics a nursing kitten. Very adorable. We just couldn't get Tilly to play along; her instincts wouldn't kick in. Until now.

Well, Tilly learned to play. I'm just concerned about the things she wants to play with. Her first toy was a bottle of moisturizer. She unscrewed the lid, licked the contents clean, and chewed on the packaging until her gums bled. The other day, Tilly went after a container of Cumin. Yes, you read correctly. Silly Tilly must have been after the smell, because after she opened it up and poured it all over the living room floor, she didn't try any of the seasoning. She did destroy the plastic bottle. Today, Ben just informed me that Tilly tore apart my Calphalon pot holder.

I don't even know how to conclude this post. Suggestions? Even weirder pet stories? I doubt that's possible!

Update

2009-01-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

The Grinch returned my ornaments!

A Grinch Stole My Christmas--Literally!

2008-12-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

I refuse to turn into my friend Dana. I also refuse to let Ben take over this blog with only sports-related musings. I love sports (as much as the next girl), but our Christmas was almost ruined! Well, maybe just the decorating part of Christmas.

A few weeks ago, Ben ventured to the basement to fetch our Christmas decorations. Three huge boxes later, we were ready for set-up.

Large, pre-lit Christmas tree: check

Mini Christmas tree from college days: check

Garland: check

Nativity: check

Last year, Ben and I spent hours shopping for Christmas decorations. I was very specific about what I wanted in a tree: it needed to look very real (I have insane allergies that keep me from enjoying a real tree), it needed to be a particular shape to fill out a large corner in the living room, and it needed to be nice and tall. Well, we found the perfect tree. High five, Ben;)

The garland came from my mom's house. I can't remember if I asked permission to take it! Sorry, mom. It is lush, blends well with my tree, and is covered with mini pinecones. My mom is an amazing decorator and she has tons of Christmas decorations that she alternates each year. I think, at this point, she doesn't even realize the massive amounts of Christmas paraphernalia that fill her attic. I actually noticed yesterday that Carrie sneaked out with some old garland, too!

Now, my nativity scene is very important to me. It was a wedding present from our dear friends Emily and Greg, and her parents Doc and Mrs. Ruth. I love it; it made me feel very grown up to have my own nativity scene for our first (married) Christmas together.

What could be missing, you ask? Ornaments.

So, I sent Ben back to the basement. Nothing. So, I went down myself. Nothing. I tore the house apart, looking in every closet, box, and hiding place. Nothing. After a week of this exact same process, I called our landlord. In order to prepare for their expanding family, Will and his wife Georgiana recently moved from the apartment above us into a beautiful home. I just knew that our Christmas ornaments were sitting in a (labeled) box in his attic. Yep, you guessed it: nothing.

I know our ornaments came from Target or Garden Ridge, but there was a sentimentality attached to those ornaments. It took me weeks to get over the loss. Our tree stood bare in that perfect corner for the longest time. I refused to do anything about it--except send Ben back to the basement and harass Will by phone and text.

This week, my mom came to the rescue. She refused to let the tree stand empty for the entire holiday season. It's impossible to pout now--pictures to come!

Sports Epigraphs: Louisville Cardinals Men's Basketball

2008-12-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

"Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."
--Proverbs 16:18

F'in Fantasy Football; or, Playoffs?! You Kiddin' Me?

2008-09-29T05:46:00.000-07:00

I play in two fantasy football leauges--one with friends from law school, and the other with the crew of flunkies I acquired at college. In both, I'm screwed.

I feel like this at least once a week, if not more often. This week, I picked up Denver's defense/special teams. In both leagues. But Ben, you might be saying, they're terrible. Aha, I would have replied before yesterday, they are playing the Kansas City Chiefs, a dismal 0-3 team that simply cannot move the ball. Thus, Denver's D is going to have a great week. WRONG. The Chiefs torched the Broncos, earning me a whopping 3 points in one league. What a pack of ninnys.

Also, I have Anquan Boldin in both leagues. He's been stellar for the first few weeks of the season. Last week, I even traded Peyton Manning to get him. Of course, immediately after the trade, the Arizona Cardinals get practically shut out for the first time this year. And, to add insult to injury, Boldin suffered a serious injury and God only knows when he'll be back (he did manage to score a TD before being crushed--every cloud has a silver lining, I guess). Is it bad that the only thing I was worried about when I saw this was how it would affect my fantasy teams? Probably.

Deep breaths. Sorry, had to get that rant out of my system. Lynn listens to me bitch and moan about fantasy football just about every week, but I think she's just humoring me and doesn't understand the earth-shattering import of making the Stupid Panda Jerks playoffs two years in a row. God knows the internets do.

UPDATE 12/1/08: The Indian Goggles will be in the SPJ Playoffs, competing for the gaudy panda bobblehead traveling trophy currently held by Ross Love.

UPDATE 2: Lost! Gah! Ross Love pulled it out but only because his opponent left 130 points on the bench, mostly from Brandon Jacobs and DeAngelo Williams. Yes, that team was stacked.

Monasticism on Two Feet

2008-09-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

"Running is one of the only activities that you can begin with little or no planning. You can simply stand up and begin to run. That's what I did."
--Marc Parent, The Very First Step

Like Mr. Parent, I work at a desk. I read and write for a living. I do not labor with my hands or earn my keep with the sweat of my brow. Languor and impassivity seep into my body with every passing day. That is why I have started to run.

Like Mr. Parent, I find the simplicity of running alluring. Its austere qualities draw me toward it. You need only shoes and a path. You need not equipment or experience or talent. The clouds--shortness of breath, jagged pain in the side--can be enjoyed and savored for their silver lining--unassailable feelings of triumph, improvement in well-being. The sounds of running, measured clop clop clop footfalls and rhythmic labored breathing, hypnotize and push me forward. Running is asceticism personified.

Like Mr. Parent, I have only begun. I may falter but I will recover. I may never be good but I will never again be soft.

Things I've Pondered While Bored at Work Today

2008-08-27T12:36:00.001-07:00

Burning Out vs. Fading Away
Correlation = Causation?
My Records > Records of the K.G.B.

Favre Watch!

2008-08-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, I couldn't sleep and decided to watch some TV. Since we'd been out of town at a wedding all weekend, I didn't really keep up with the goings-on around the world of sport. Turning on the TV, I flipped to ESPN.

They talked about Brett Favre. Having to run a lap. FOR FORTY-FIVE MINUTES.

Apparently, Favre and Jets center Nick Mangold muffed a snap and coach Eric Mangini made them both run. I understand that it was one in the morning, but did NOTHING else happen yesterday? This whole Favre grab-ass has been infuriating, not only because Favre has whored himself out at every opportunity, but also because he's found a very willing john in ESPN. It's just another step toward all media becoming US Weekly. What's next?

"Thanks, Stu, Chris Mortensen here. I'm at Hofstra University at the Jets' training camp, and Brett Favre has misplaced his keys. Again, Brett Favre has misplaced his keys. I spoke to Favre, and he told me that he usually places them on top of his dresser, but they weren't there. He said to me, 'Chris, I can't believe this. I looked in the Wrangler Jeans I was wearing last night, and they weren't there either.' Favre now plans to retrace his steps over yesterday evening in hopes of recovering the missing keys so the assembled media may take pictures of him as he arrives at practice in his F-250, personifying everything that makes America great. I will keep you posted with new developments. Back to you, Stuart Scott."

Fingers crossed.

I Hope This Embarrasses You, Ben

2008-08-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

This week, Ben and I celebrated our first anniversary! It absolutely feels like last week that my musicians started playing Linda's Song...and I sobbed my way down the aisle to meet Ben (all the Felicity fans out there might recognize this song as "Ben and Felicity's Piano Theme").

So many people have said that the first year is the hardest, but I have to say, this was a wonderful year. I loved coming home to Ben after a long day at work, spending the weekends being lazy, sharing our home with lots of friends, and starting some of our own traditions. I am so lucky that Ben loves me, because I can be hard to love (just ask my sister...or my students). And I think Ben is just perfect. Seriously.

Our celebration was postponed a few days, as Ben was busy taking the bar exam (pretty good excuse, I thought). But, on Wednesday we ate a delicious dinner at North End Cafe' and enjoyed the top of our wedding cake.

Here are a few pictures from our favorite day, o7/28/07

Our monogrammed aisle cloth that my mother designed

Seeing Ben for the first time made me very happy

Mr. and Mrs...can you pronounce it? Spell it?

First (and only) moment alone...

At Talon Winery, a Lexington vineyard where our reception was held

If you can't tell by those pictures, I adore you, Ben. Happy Anniversary!

Pat Forde--Pal to the Prosaic and Plastered Alike

2008-07-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

Pat Forde has written an interesting article on what he calls "the cult of the coordinator." He makes some good points on what, perhaps irrationally, offensive and defensive signal-callers mean to today's college football fan. Around here, people are sure that Joker Phillips, UK's offensive coordinator, will lead Kentucky to breathe the rarefied air atop the SEC East, despite the fact that, just last season, made some truly indefensible play calls in winnable games (See Georgia, Mississippi State, and especially Tennessee in overtime). But it's one of the article's throwaway paragraphs that grabbed my attention:

"The cameras find [coordinators] routinely, whether on the sidelines or in the booth. It would be an absolute drunkfest if you played a drinking game tied to camera shots of coordinators wildly signaling plays by hand or furtively calling them into their headsets while covering their mouths with play sheets."

Pay attention, aspiring sports journalists. The article is well researched and written, peering into a recent sports trend with an inquisitive and skeptical eye, Forde playing the sports fan's Woodward. At the same time, he appeals to a core demographic of college football: drunken fools. Reading the article, it struck me that both sentiments appealed to me about equally. I wonder whether the sometimes exorbitant salaries college coordinators are paid today (Norm Chow is reportedly getting over $1 million a year as UCLA's offensive coordinator) really do translate into success on the field, when raw talent is at least equally responsible for a football team's success. At the same time, when I read the description of Forde's drinking game, my first thought was, "I wish I had thought of that about seven years ago." And now, planning the logistics of that game for the last Saturday in August, when Lynn will be out of the house for most of the day at a wedding shower, has quickly taken precedence over pondering the so-called cult of the coordinator.

UK's Chances

2008-07-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get Lynn to write something for a few days, but she refuses. I've been calling her Harper Lee for her extreme reticence, and you should too. I guess the heavy lifting is going to have to fall to me.

Summer sports are the worst. I have been looking forward to college football since the end of Euro 2008. College football is the Dude: it's the sport for its time and place. Baseball is, at best, Donny, and thus needs to shut the fuck up and get off my TV. Of course, this is just, like, you know, my opinion, man. Even if it's not fact, I still can't wait for the football season.

In Lexington, the approach of fall brings one burning question to the fore of every Kentucky fan's mind: how many games will the football team win? The most popular answers to that question are "Hopefully, enough to be bowl eligible," followed closely by "We have a football team?" My answer? SEVEN.

Games we are sure to win: (4)
Norfolk State, Middle Tennessee, Western Kentucky, Vanderbilt

I've just jinxed the team. We're going down.

Games we are sure to lose: (2)
Florida, Georgia

These two teams are first-class and one of them will be playing for the SEC Championship. Of the two, I think we have a better chance to beat Georgia. We play them at home, and it could be a trap game for them, falling between their games with Florida and Auburn.

Six close calls, of which we will win three:
Louisville, Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi State

If I had to pick three of these, I'd say we will beat Louisville, South Carolina, and Mississippi State. If I could pick any one of these teams to beat, at the expense of losing three other games this season, it would have to be Tennessee. This is just getting embarrassing. Plus, now that Bruce Pearl is pulling all the tail that the southeast has to offer, we need to take them down a peg or two. Hell, though, we might just win all six. Look out, BCS!

So, we'll make it back to seven regular season wins, then brutalize another unsuspecting ACC powder puff in the Music City Bowl, then go into next season with the national media predicting a three-win season. Again.

I'm Going to be a Father...

2008-07-04T09:48:00.001-07:00

...to a three year old chocolate lab.

We're adopting her from a Lab rescue here in Lexington. I'm going to re-name her, though. I would name her after Coach Rupp, but she's a girl, Rupp is taken and I can't imagine walking down the street calling for Adolph. Not really sure why, just a feeling I have. Here are the names I've been thinking about:

1. Little Jerry Seinfeld
2. Dude
3. Maggie
4. Dethklok
5. Bear

And we got a grill yesterday. I'm well on my way to becoming a red-blooded American.

UPDATE July 15, 2008. We got the dog yesterday and decided to name her Tilly.

Rupp's Brush With Death

2008-06-30T17:03:00.001-07:00

This afternoon, I took Rupp outside for what I thought would be a routine walk. Unfortunately, this would turn out to be the least routine walk Rupp and I have ever gone on.

Ninety-nine percent of the time he is outside, Rupp is on a leash. Today was no exception. As we walked out the back door, though, I noticed a small, innocent puppy standing in our driveway. Rupp, being the gracious host that he is, decided to attack this intruder. I did not have a great grip on the leash and it shot out of my hand. After rolling around in the driveway for a second, and before I could grab Rupp's leash, the puppy shot out of sight at top speed, with Rupp giving chase.

I sprinted after them in bare feet, yelling at Rupp to stop. He declined. They both stayed on the sidewalk, but this puppy was fast. Rupp was not quite as fast and could never catch him, but he easily outran me. Finally, they reached the end of the block and both dogs shot across the street with me about 100 yards behind them, panting for breath. Right after they made it across the street, a car shot by, and I mentally prepared for the divorce proceedings that would ensue were I responsible for the death of Lynn's dog.

At that point, they both turned onto another road and out of sight. After the fact, I looked on the internets to see how far I had sprinted. 1/5 of a mile, or 1,056 feet, or over three football fields. It's safe to say I had not sprinted like that since playing high school soccer seven years ago, and it showed. I could barely move and my throat was afire from the run and screaming myself hoarse at the dog. Thankfully, a kid was riding his bike down the sidewalk and pointed out the two houses the dogs ran between. I hobbled into the yard of the first house, feet bleeding, and heard Rupp's collar jingling as he walked from between some bushes. He was wearing a shit-eating grin similar to this one.

I've been looking for a Lab to adopt since.

A Welcome to Friends, Acquaintances and Intense Fans of the Fiechters

2008-06-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

It's over a month until my return to teaching, and about the same amount of time until Ben takes the bar exam. We are both looking for a distraction, and thought we'd try our hand at creating a blog. Actually, I had to twist Ben's arm by promising he could write about anything he wanted. You have been warned.

So, welcome to our blog. We usually introduce ourselves as Lynn and Ben and leave out the rest; if we had a celebrity nickname, we have been told, it could be Len or Bynn. Since this blog belongs to both of us, we thought we should stick to something more united--like our last name. But, no one in the world seems to be able to spell--or pronounce--our name correctly (unless they've tried spelling drills to commit the name to memory). An impossible-to-spell last name is probably not a good idea if you are trying to draw attention to a website. Ben thought of this easy alternative.